Stupid Conversations

Tonight one of my cheer girls took me out for a belated birthday celebration. Mmmmm, Cheesecake Factory. Delicious! We gorged ourselves on warm bread, lemonade, and fried chicken as we chatted about boys, school, and what life would be like when she "grew up". Oh the days when you had everything in front of you and not very much behind you.

Eventually cheesecake time came around and we decided to split the white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. It's my absolute favorite, especially because it has the Oreo crust that is seriously to die for. After a few bites I mumbled, "ohhhh this cheesecake is so rich." She replied in her valley girl voice, "Yeah, you really can't get a cheesecake that isn't rich....I mean, like totally, cheesecake is just....rich!" I looked at her and paused for a moment and then busted out laughing. "Wow, deep. Real deep thoughts there," I said. We both couldn't help but giggle over our very shallow conversation about cheesecake.

You know, it's funny because the rest of the night we kept quoting our "deep thoughts" and laughing at how silly and yet, funny our conversation was about cheesecake. I can't help but think that we will probably laugh about that conversation quite a few more times this next year and perhaps many years from now. I also can't help but think back to the many other silly, shallow, stupid conversations I have had with good friends. I'm not sure why, maybe because it's when we are most real, but stupid conversations seem to bond people together and make for unforgettable friendships. Think about it. When was the last time you had a really good, stupid conversation? One may be due!...like totally.

LIVE the now

Recently death has been creeping in the shadows; friends battling cancer, a coworker losing their child, even though it seemed like he had his whole life ahead of him. These stories happen all over the world every day. I feel heavy, but perhaps the reminder of death is what gives us hope to LIVE the now.

I am reminded on this Monday morning:

Cherish the life you have been given

Say "I love you" always -don't hesitate!

give strong hugs

don't waste your gifts

don't waste your day

take it all in -don't take it for granted-

because Heaven is coming! 

Beautifuls

I had a few precious moments this morning. Giggles, gaga noises, and rolling rrrrrs.

2,000 miles will not keep me from getting to know and see my cute little nephew. Smiles and giggles. Be still my beating heart. It will not keep me from good conversations with my sister. It will not keep me from my family. FaceTime is a beautiful invention.

The day isn't over, but I'm pretty sure that my FaceTime date with my nephew is my beautiful of the day. I wonder what yours will be.....

Connect

Have you ever found a hobby that you really enjoyed, and so for a while you go all in and you enjoy it simply because you lose yourself (or perhaps find yourself) in the hobby? Then there comes a time where you realize that other people enjoy the same hobby... and you start to realize other people are better at it than you. Comparison. Eventually, the comparison eats you up and sadly, you end up not enjoying what you loved in the first place because you are more concerned with being good at it rather than just finding yourself, or losing yourself in it.

That is the place I have come to with this blog. So many times in the last few weeks I have thought that I just want to quit. I want to stop writing.... because, of course, in my mind I want to be a brilliant writer like Donald Miller, Ann Voskamp, or Brennan Manning... and then I read back through my writing ...and the disappointment sets in because I realize I'm not a brilliant writer, I'm just Sheila. Kind of like those American Idol contestants who think they sound like Mariah Carey and then they see the replay and they hear themselves for the first time and they think, oh.. yikes.

I was sharing this frustration with my sister, who is also a blogger, and a few friends. Of course they were good to encourage me and to remind me that we are our biggest critique, but they also asked me some hard questions: why do you love to write? Why do you feel like you need to be good at writing in order to love it? Why can't you love it, even if it is just for yourself?

And so I sit here, contemplating those questions... and I don't think I have answers to all of them yet, but what I do know this:

I write because words and ideas connect people -they link us together -they bridge the gap. They challenge, inspire, and make us feel known... Life has it's ups and downs. There are times to laugh and love and other times to hurt and cry -words connect us to each other and through each other's experiences. So I write about the good and the bad, the dorky and corky, the love and the hate because I love to connect. We all live very different lives, but we feel the same pulse of life
{together}. We long to say, you feel that way too, you are going through that too, I thought I was alone. and we can't say that unless we use words to get us to that scary, vulnerable, leaning into the air kind of connection.

So I guess that is why I'm here, I throw comparison aside and I focus in on the one thing that keeps me writing

connection.

Stairway to Heaven

I had this dream a while ago and it went something like this.

~ ~ ~
There was this tall white staircase that wrapped around and around, reaching high into the clouds. Those who climbed to the top of the staircase were as close as they could get to God. In fact, it was the only way that you could be close to God while on Earth. So everyday people of all ages ran up and down, trying to get as close as they could to God.

One day I chose to climb the staircase, except the rules were different for me. I could only climb the stairs on my knees; one step at a time. The task seemed difficult and unfair, but I wanted to be close to God. I bent down and began the long journey up the stairs -on my knees. I felt weird and out of place as everyone else climbed the stairs so easily, quickly achieving the top of the staircase and their own closeness with God. Why wasn't it that easy for me?

With knees aching, I pushed forward even though people rushed by. With every step I climbed, it seemed like twenty more were added to the top of the staircase. Frustration bubbled and tears swelled. Why were the rules different for me and why couldn't I just join everyone else running up and down the stairs?

"You'll never get there!" a man said as he ran by in his gold running shoes. Shame and embarrassment rushed over my face and into my heart. He was right, it felt impossible.

Knees aching and the staircase still winding, I decided to stand up. I waited for the next group of people and as they passed down the stairs, I fell into line. I ran. Down. There was a moment where I slowed down and looked back up the stairs. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I wished I could have gotten closer to God, but the staircase was tall and the journey seemed too hard. And so instead of continuing my journey to get closer to God, I ran down the stairs and God got further and further away...
~ ~ ~

I jolted awake. Wide eyed and sweaty, I laid in my damp sheets feeling the same sadness that I did in my dream. The same sorrow that I felt when I ran down the stair overwhelmed me. No one likes to feel far from God. No one likes to feel not good enough; like a quitter or a loser... and then I remembered the one thing that was missing from my dream, the one truth that changes everything.

We are never too far away.

As we run down the stairs, God sends Jesus running down the stairs too

 and he chases hard after us

because no one is ever too far from God.

Dream

Have you ever asked the question:
What inspires me?
Not just what inspires you on the surface- like cars, money, and pretty clothes- but truly and deeply...

What inspires me at the core of who I am?

And when you are inspired, what is it that you want to do or be? What whisper tugs at you, pulls you in and pushes you forward?

Then there is the fear in the pit of your stomach that squelches your dream deep inside you -almost to the point that you can't recognize it- and you stop dreaming.

That's me. I get inspired when I have great conversations with people and then my dreams start to flow. Before I know it, I'm dreaming about this all girl's school that I want to build and I imagine the good and the life transformation that could happen in my life and the girl's lives. Then suddenly the fear overtakes me... and the dream is gone.

I wonder why I let the fear stop me...

because the dream is always there...

just waiting for me...

I imagine what this world would look like if we all did exactly what we dreamed of doing...

30

July 4, 1983 -That's my birthday. It's kind of a big one this year; moving from my 20s to 30s -like moving from barely an adult to a "legit" adult. So legit that my student said the other day, "well just think of it this way, I'm half your age!"

A big birthday comes and I can't help but reflect...

There is a part of me that feels like I haven't accomplished as much as I thought I would. I don't own a home. I don't have kids. I haven't gone back to school for a master's degree. And so I think, gosh I have a lot to do in my 30s.

Then there is this voice in the back of my head that reminds me of all the people I have met along the way and all the places I have gone. The voice reminds me that life is simply a big story that God weaves together; friendships, circumstances, life lessons, hardships, blessings, careers, and amazing experiences - all of this is brought together to mold us into who we will be and to draw us closer to Him. It's not about when we get from one chapter to the next, but rather, how we get from one chapter to the next and who helps us get there.

So as my birthday comes and goes, I will think about all of you friends and family who have been a part of my life, perhaps for just a season or for multiple. You have taught and shown me who I am. Also, whether you know it or not, you have helped me to learn more about God.

In essence, you have made and are still making my life.

I may not have accomplished as much as I would have wished, but my life is full and colored because of incredible friends and family.

Thankful for you,
S