Bare Faced and 33

Dear 33,

You don’t look how I imagined you would, but then again, I don’t know that I actually imagined 33. When I was a kid, I imagined the teen years, the 20 somethings, and maybe even 30, but after 30 the picture got dark and fuzzy. Too far off and too hard to put into clarity.

The first picture of 33. Unedited. Bare face and all.

Now you are here and this is what you look like. Bare faced and 33. Can I just say that you look young! I’m a little surprised. I would of guessed 33 to look a lot older. Those eyes though, the window to all. I see the age starting to creep into them. A few wrinkles settling around those blue windows. Yes, you may look young, but no longer youthful. You wear a smile on your face; a genuine one too. Yet, you look like you have a few stories to tell: places you’ve been, people you’ve met, heartbreak, and perseverance. You have walked a few roads and are smarter for it, but I wonder if there are a few cuts and bruises that you wear close to your soul.  Perhaps you have learned from the cuts and bruises, but maybe you haven’t. Maybe you just think you have.

I write to you, 33, because I don’t really know you yet.  This is me reaching into the unknown and asking for you to be good to me. I’m sure we will get to know each other well over the year. We will have good times and bad. I expect you to teach me new things and I hope I will lean into you and let you teach me. Often I’m so stubborn that I dig my feet into the soft soil and refuse to learn the lessons of the ages. I hope I grow wiser than that this year.

Just between you & me, these are a few things I want to learn from you, 33:

• How to live well in this adult world. I often feel like just a little child disguised as something bigger.
• to pay bills on time. Yeah, I get distracted by more exciting things in the world.
• to change my bike tire. This would alleviate a little bit of worry every time I want to go for a bike ride. I’m a big girl. I should be able to do this.
• to be a good student again. Grad school is coming. It’s unavoidable.
• to eat a well balanced diet. I’m an adult but I love sugar. It gravitates to me. It’s sugar’s fault! It’s certainly not my own.
• to enjoy coffee more! Is this even possible?
• to be a more understanding teacher. I always need this lesson in my life.
• to write more. To write well and uninhibited. I’m not sure why I keep coming back to this, but it’s something I know I need in my life.
• to be a more in touch friend. The older I get, the more “in my own world” I get. I hate that! I need people!
• to LOVE the ones I love harder! Stronger! Better! I need love in my life. I want to be a better lover.
• to forgive myself and those I love over and over again. Really, what is life without forgiveness?
• to trust Jesus more. Trust is a hard thing for me.
• to experience more sunsets
• to sing more songs at the top of my lungs
• to dance more in the kitchen when I cook. Yes, this means I need to cook more.
• to laugh everyday
• to embrace the moments where I want to cry. Crying is good!
• to give more hugs and kisses.
• to look at the stars every night.
• to pray more.
• ……………..

The list could go on and on.

I’m sure some may look at this list and wonder what I’ve done with the first 30 years of my life. I should have learned a few a these lessons by now, but honestly, the older I get, the more I realize the less I know and the more I need to learn.

I guess you have a lot to teach me, 33. Cheers to you & me, I think we have quite the year ahead of us!

XOXO,

She

Breaking Down the Cycling World

Let’s just start out by saying, I’m not a cyclist. Some days I pretend to sort of know what I’m doing so I “gear up” and hit the Green Belt. On ambitious days, I hit the road! Don’t get me wrong, I love to ride my bike! It makes me feel free and in some ways it helps my ‘good girl’ tendencies to feel a little rebellious. Riding my bike is great. I just don’t ride my bike with the sole-purpose of trying to kill myself. {Insert silly emoji face to let you know that I’m jokingly sarcastic. Sort of.}

With all that said, I have, ironically, found a few of my summer weekends have been spent hanging out with cyclists. (Remember, I’m not one.) It is a love/hate relationship(s). Let’s be real. I’m the kind of girl that loves a leisurely walk in the forest or sitting in the sun enjoying a good book. Cyclists (mountain bikers to be exact) are amped up people. Ambitious; excited; ready to crush it kind of people. I think they all have a little crazy in them.

So let me tell you a little story. 

It all started out with a simple, “yes”. Michael, my boyfriend, is one of those types I just described. He murders the single track trails as often as possible, and I mean that in the most positive way possible. Every year he does this race called 9-5. It’s a local race for most people who live in the Boise area. I’ve been to it before and it’s one of the more fun races. The goal of the race is to slay this loop at Jug Mountain. They race as hard as they can for 8 hours straight. Coming from non-mountain bike girl, I find it insane to stay on your bike for 8 hours…. I mean, let’s be honest, when do you pee? When do you eat? When do you enjoy the forest beauty? And above all, how does your butt handle all the bump, pop, and lock? But aside from all those wonders, Michael needed “pit support” because he’s one of the crazies that goes for 8 hours straight. His proposal went a little something like,

“Will you be my pit girl?”

“Yes! I can be your pit girl! I would love to help!” I said.

“You know this is a big deal. I’m not going to be able to talk to you much and you are really going to have to be on your game to help me with what I need!”

“I need to be on my game to give you a water bottle….?!?!” I asked slightly confused. “I mean, I’m pretty sure I can handle it!”

“Oh and there are a couple other guys who could really use your help too…..”

“Hmm. Ok. Really, how hard can it be to give a couple dudes water bottles?!”

“Just realize that this is serious stuff!” He said with finality.

L.O.L

“Yea….. ok. Serious stuff.”

Can I just insert a few comments here about the weird ways of mountain bikers?! You would think it’s just water bottles that these athletes fret about…. But oh no! There are water bottles with just water, some have these weird energy tabs, others have this EVIL powder stuff. Yes, it is really called EVIL. And let’s not forget, the bottles go in a certain order. I mean, you can’t just give them in any order or their laps are done for! On top of the water bottles, there are the bike things and lubes for the chains, tubes for the tires, forks for the …. I don’t know. And don’t forget, this is all serious stuff! Followed by the nutrition. A peanut butter sandwich on the 3rd lap. Potato chips on the 4 and 9th lap. The glorious coke hand up at the end. The list goes on. Did I mention, it’s serious stuff? Cyclists are HIGH maintenance!  

So, about the race. Yep, I was pit girl. I got serious, detailed instructions of how to care for a couple of the guys on the team. They said they didn’t care if the bottles weren’t completely right, but that was a complete lie and I knew it. I didn’t understand how with such an easy task -water bottle hand ups- I was so nervous.

Then there was the race. Here is the fast version:

Lap 1: They flew through smoking fast, but I was ready for them. Phew! Hand ups completed. I got this!

Lap 2: Hand up 1. Check. Hand up 2. Michael yelled, “What’s in this bottle?!” I mean what kind of question is that? It’s a WATER bottle. My response, “Vodka!”

Lap 3: I quickly realized that a few more guys on the team were struggling and needed some pit girl intervention. I was on it.

Lap 4,5,6: Lap times started to slow down and my interest started to fade. How many more hours?! And seriously, why are their butts not aching?! Then I saw it: one of the racers running over to the porta potty with Butt Cream in his hand. Well, I guess some guys have issues.

Lap 7: Uh oh. Mechanical issue with Michael’s bike. “Can you help me get that (I don’t remember what he called it) off?” He hollered. Um, seriously…. I had no idea what he was talking about! “Can you get me the stuff? Why isn’t the stuff out?” Again…. I had no idea what he was talking about!

Lap 8: One of the other team guys rolled in looking whipped! This was Cory, the fearless leader of the team. I wasn’t quite sure how to help him, but he looked like he needed some serious love. I confidently said, “Can I get you anything?! Shake it off. Just shake it off.” I kid you not, this was his mumbled response, “Sing me some Taylor Swift!” L.O.L Did he just say that? And will he remember what he said later?

Lap 9: I was killing this pit girl job.

Lap 10: The glorious coke hand up. All men thought I was an angel.  

Lap 11: The only Eastside team member to complete this lap: Markzilla! Yes, that is what he calls himself. I think it’s because he thinks he’s beastly… I’m not sure though. I just go along with it.

Everyone else was sitting in camping chairs, mud on their faces, looking absolutely destroyed.

And DONE! YES!

Here is where my relationship with cycling turns from a love of helping others to a pure, genuine hate. You would think after the race is done that these athletes would be so tired of being on the bike for 8 hours that the last thing they would want to do is talk about the bike at all. Yep. Nope. In fact, the bike talk, ego talk, smack talk, whack talk increased at this point.

Here is an example of what I’m up against every time (with maybe a little sarcasm sprinkled in for humor’s sake).

“Yea, I uh really went to a dark spot lap 8…. I had to take a shot of pickle juice and amp it up. I mean, the pickle juice didn’t kick in right away… but once it did it…. don’t worry, I’m 50, my joints are wrecked, but I feel awesome!”

Say what?!?! I smiled and nodded. I mean, I tried to smile and nod.

Finally, thank the Lord, the evening came to an end and I was able to relax. The day, the events, were all completed, but most importantly, my skills as pit girl had become pretty pro and I had the team Eastside shirt to show it. The guys were all sweet to say thank you and they were quite genuine. Cory even gave me a team shirt :). I’m now officially part of the team. Go Eastside!

Like I said, my relationship with cycling and this people group is a love/hate. The hate comes and goes depending on the idiosyncrasies of the athletes and the length of the day, but the love is real too. The love comes from learning new things, cheering on people that inspire me, serving others who need help, and finding new friendships that make me laugh. The cycling world is a weird world that I never thought I would be apart of, but it’s a community of people that genuinely care about each other and push to make each other better. That’s a pretty cool world to me. With all sarcasm aside, I am happy to “pit girl” for these crazies any day.

**Side note: Make sure to tune in next time for some road cycling commentary. I can’t forget you, “roadies”. Is it Twilight Criterium time, yet?! ;)**

Teens Teach: Surviving middle school. And Life.

I was looking at old pictures this morning when I came across this one. 35 weeks ago I survived my first week of middle school at a new school. I remember how tired I was in that picture and how much self doubt I had. Could I really make it through a year? I felt like the challenges would be too great. The demand would be too much.... and could I really make an impact on these kids.

Now here I am 35 weeks later. 4 weeks left of school! I can't believe how fast the school year has gone. Truly. There have been some exhausting weeks and evenings. Hard conversations with students and teachers. Battles. Wars. Feelings of helplessness. Then there is the good, too; smiles and laughs, good discussions, and times of transparency.

In the end, this is what I've learned:

1) Sleep. Sometimes this is the most important thing you can do for yourself. For me, this was the difference between crazy and insane. In today's, "get more work done" mentality, we have learned "Productivity!" It's preached over and over... but honestly, sometimes sleep is THE MOST productive thing you can do for yourself. It is self care.... and it keeps you (me) from going insane. I've learned to embrace my sleep and make it a serious priority. While my students may love Zombie teacher, I sure don't.

2) Lean into the awkward. We are a kind of people that hate to feel awkward. We speak it out loud when we feel it.... so as to make it less "awkward." How many times have you been in a conversation when there is a small pause so someone says, "awkward"? As if somehow speaking out loud the awkward breaks the awkward. One thing my middle schoolers remind me of every day is that we ARE awkward. Middle schoolers are more awkward at that time of life (trust me, I see it every day!), but really... WE are just awkward people. I've watched kids try and fight their awkwardness but, it makes them more awkward. So all this to say, embrace your awkward self, awkward moments, and don't try and cover them up by saying "awkward". Just lean into it and see what funny moments come. Usually, it's those moments that draw us all a little closer together. 

3) Hard Sucks. But it's Good. Every teacher on the face of the earth can relate to me when I say that teaching is hard work. It drains you emotionally, physically, mentally, and the list goes on. I'm sure that is to be said for most jobs. In middle school, the hard moments just look a little different. Snot on desks. The question: "Why?" over and over and over and over again. Blank stares. The statement: "I don't get it." My voice on repeat all day long. You get the idea. I feel like I come home often praying that I have made a difference that day. Then I get to the end of the year and look back on all the growth in my students and I realize, the fight for good is always worth it. People are worth it! It's hard, but it's good. Isn't it so true that the hard always makes it that much better? All I am saying is press through because there is beauty in every hard thing.

4) Love. This last lesson is by far the greatest lesson I learned this year. WE all just need a little love. I had so many conversations with students this year about how they feel like no one cares. Blame it on social media, culture, America, whatever you think, but I truly believe that kids feel more isolated than they ever have before.  Kiddos walk into my class and they are broken little people that don't know how to love because they haven't been shown it. I have been reminded many times this year that no one wants to be given up on. We all want to be loved no matter how many times we mess up or don't give love back. We all just want to feel like someone knows us so give it back, even when it hard or awkward, or even when it's the last emotion felt. 

Plus, to be cheesy, I totally believe that LOVE changes the world! 

It is pretty incredible what little, tweener middle schoolers teach me every year and it's even more incredible how middle school is the training ground for real life. Really, we are all just big middle school kids trying to do the best we can in this playground of life.  

Healthy Competition

Sisters. 
That is the topic for today.
If you have one, maybe you will understand. If you don't, then I'm not offended if you close the page right now.

Growing up, my sister and I NEVER got along. I mean NEVER. I was 5 years older and thought I knew everything. She was determined to not be told what to do. We fought, we bickered.

"You can't do that!"
"Wanna make me!"

There are a few pictures of us, like the one below, where the moment looks happy. I'm sure we had a few of them, but for the most part, I remember fights and I think she would say the same.

The older we got, the more we just stuck to our own thing. She did sports. I did the arts. I eventually went to college and because of our age difference, we still had little to talk about. It wasn't until we lived in separate states that we started to realize the gift that sisters could be.

As we moved into adulthood, our differences were fewer and our commonalities grew. I started to realize that siblings are the backbone to our identity. They remind us of where we came from, who we were and who we are. Siblings keep us from forgetting; good and bad. What a beautiful gift.

Through the seasons, my sister and I have been close and then not as much. It is an ebb and flow. Yet one thing that I LOVE right now, in this season of life, is that even though we live VERY different lives, we have found a commonality. It took us 27 years to find it, but progress is everything, right? It's a healthy competition. A motivator for both us. It's called YOGA. It is something that I have always been interested in and recently, my sister has grown to love it too.

My sister killing a headstand. 

In the past, competition was something that separated us. It was the dividing wall. Perhaps  it's just called immaturity, or simply, we have grown up. Either way, my sister and I have found a healthy balance of using yoga to push each other and to challenge each other to be better, healthier, stronger. It's been a fun hobby to share. Most of all, though, it keeps us talking, it keeps us engaged, and it keeps us exploring the bond of sisterhood. 

What do you share with your sister?

How do you keep the bond with your siblings alive and well? I'd love to hear!

Me. Enjoying the great outdoors and a good stretch.

I'm looking forward to the next time my sister and I are together so we can yogi together!

Mandy, you better be ready because I'm going to bring my hardest poses. ;)

Dear Republican Candidates.

Dear Republican Candidates,

To give you some brief background, I am a 32 year old voter from Idaho. I grew up in a conservative, Christian family. As an adult, I still hold true to the majority of the political and conservative beliefs I was raised with- not because I haven't found my own beliefs yet, but because I truly believe in them. I am young enough that I don't remember too many campaigns. I really only distinctly remember Obama's campaigns. He swept the nation! At the time, I was a college student and I remember feeling like I was the only young person who didn't jump on the Obama band wagon. Now as a young adult, I often still feel that way.

Now, we are here. I thought it would be a hopeful time. Our time.

At first, I was hopeful to see a breath of fresh air; conservatives representing a balance of all issues with dignity and respect. I was hopeful to not feel like the only one not jumping on a liberal band wagon. I was hopeful to see conservative, Americans not painted as prudes. I was hopeful.

Now, we are here.

We are months into your campaigns. I have watched debates and read articles. I have listened to friends debate all sides of the issues. I will be the first to admit that I don't fully understand all the aspects to the issues, political games, or how to run a campaign, but I do know that as I sit and listen to all sides, my stomach starts to churn and I feel sick.

I feel sick because while you are spouting your mouths about stupid twitter comments and building walls that don't matter, I think about the following:

-My brother who lives pay check to pay check because his medical bills are too much for a 29 year old to manage.

-My parents who did the very best they could to help others in their lifetime of ministry, but who won't be able to retire. They are getting older. How will I care for them when they are too old to take care of themselves?

-My grandma who lives in a care facility and forgets pieces of her life every day. The elderly matter.

-I worry about how I will get ahead financially because I'm just a teacher and it seems like money only gets to those with business degrees. Money will always be an issue.

But most of all, I think about my students. I teach the lowest 10th percentile of readers in the 7th and 8th grade. Some struggle to read and write a paragraph while others just simply can't. These students come to school and work hard to become readers. It is SO hard for them, but they try their hardest because they believe that hard work pays off. I see these faces every day and I wonder if they really will become successful when they grow up, not because they won't be able to read, because they WILL! but because I wonder if any of us really feel "successful" in America anymore. Will they attain the "American dream"? What does that even mean now days? I tell them everyday they can if they keep their minds stuck to what matters, but then I remember that our leaders can't even do that... so my stomach starts to churn again.

Those are the faces I wish you would think about before you open your mouth to talk about issues that just honestly don't hit close to home. I invite you, please come into my classroom and see these students working hard to learn how to read. I bet your "issues" would change and your campaign games would look differently. The youth of our nation are our future, right?

I guess to sum it up, I simply ask that before you have another debate, could you please think about the faces that matter? The faces that truly are our American future.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Conservative

Move

There is this saying that hangs next to my front door.

I often leave in a hurry so, really, the sign serves more as decoration than it does as a reminder, but this morning, as I sat on the couch with my laptop ready, my coffee cup filled, and my soul ah searching, the sign hung on my wall, large and proud.

"Life is like riding a bicycle

To keep your balance

You must keep 

MOVING"

For some, they are born to move. In fact, if they don't move, their mind goes a little crazy. They have to be busy whether it be moving about their home or job. Some love being outside; moving about in nature. Others enjoy the physical exertion of a good workout. No matter what type of movement, some just have to be moving. These are the ambitious ones.

Then there are others who are completely alright with a good book, a cup of coffee, and their favorite reading spot. The ones that enjoy the silence, or the simple turning over of thoughts in their mind. Their movement is done more in the mind and less with physical intensity. They really don't need any type of physical movement in order to be content and that is perfectly alright. These are the thoughtful ones.

Which are you?

To be honest, so much of me wishes I was the ambitious one. I wish I was athletic and needed to move throughout life in constant movement, but I'm not. 

I am perfectly happy with no movement at all! I am not ashamed to say that I can be lazy and it makes me happy some days. 

Contentment: 

Sitting and thinking. 

Sitting and watching Netflix. 

Sitting and reading a good book. 

Sitting.

Movement takes hard work and on my days off, I really despise hard work.  

Yet lately, in my laziness, when I want to sit and rest. When I want to watch another episode of Scandal or junk out on Netflix. When I want to ignore all of the adult things I push to another day, the sign next to my door screams in my head. 

I hear this loud, annoying voice say,

"Own today! Make today the best it can be. You may be tired. You may want to SIT and do nothing, but today is the only day that is right here, right now. So keep moving. Keep going! Do something great! Live today!"

There is this tension inside of me. I wonder if you have it too. It's not bad that I enjoy all the quiet and still times. In fact, this is a skill to master: to be still in the quiet. However, there is a balance and the balance means to MOVE too. Life was not meant to be lived in a book, or in front of a TV, phone, or computer. Life is meant to be LIVED.

So I close up my laptop, put on my tennis shoes, and go enjoy the beauty of this sunny, February day.

What will you do?

People Matter, Right?!

I just got off the phone with an old friend from way back in the day. It had been at least 6 months since we last caught up. We each gave the run down on life: family, kids, health, job, etc. All the normal stats that we wanted to hear about in each others lives. Children are growing up (hers that is -just to clarify), jobs are as stressful as ever and we are now to the age where we have to update on surgeries and health complications -yikes!

Life keeps on keeping on.

Then we stumbled onto an interesting conversation (not to say that the other stuff wasn't interesting... but this had a different kind of meaning to me).

We began to talk about all the old friends we had in common. We gave each other updates on the ones we still kept in contact with and then we started to hit on something else. We slowly drifted into talking about the friends that had fallen out of touch with us (or maybe we had fallen out of touch with them... who could really keep track?).

A slight tone of sadness loomed over the conversation. Perhaps it was hurt feelings or envy for the life where you don't get hurt when friends don't reply, nevertheless, there was sadness in the conversation. There was hurt in losing friendship. We debated on why it was that we lost touch with friends or better yet, why friends lost touch with us. We finally gave reasons to appease our sadness:

I know life is busy.

We all have our own lives now.

Well, we can't do everything in life.

It's all about priorities.

Seasons. There are seasons of friendship.

We finished the call by encouraging each other and reminding each other that, while it had been a while since our last catch up, we still appreciated each other's friendship.

I guess I sit here reflecting on the phone call with a certain sadness and longing to enjoy "the good ole days", but honestly, more than that, I miss the days when people were important.
-More important than a list of things that need to get done.
-More important than uploading cool pics to Facebook (I am very guilty!).
-More important than a cool Netflix show (me + guilty = a lot of wasted hours).
-More important than texting (I often count that as "keeping in touch").
-More important than white noise busyness.
-More important than -fill in the blank-

I can't tell if it is just my season of life, our ever changing culture, our need to dull the pain of stillness and loneliness or what, but I seriously miss the days when busyness wasn't an excuse and the need for people was real.

I can't be alone in this, am I? Do you feel this? ...This insanity called life that overtakes what really matters most.

Even still, it's easy to write a rant post and to go off on all the things that are wrong with this world, so instead, I will end with this.

I tell my students: WE are the change. YOU have the power to make a difference. And so I say to myself and everyone out there in blog world:

Let's be the difference.
Let's live in a way where people are important.
Where we see our friends face to face, where we carve out time to laugh and cry with the ones we love, Where we reply to the sweet messages we've been meaning to reply to.
Where we see people before we see our 'to do list'.
Where we follow up and make time.


Let's live like people matter.