Brain Charge

I do this activity called a "brain charge" with my students ever so often. I usually end up doing it on days where they trample into the classroom hyped up on Mountain Dew and ambitiously talking about the new "drama" (or so they call it) of the week. The idea for the activity came to me one day last year when it seemed like the world (or more like, my junior high world) constantly screamed white noise at me all day long. It was as if no matter how much I searched for a moment of stillness, my mind continued to rush on, thinking and worrying about a million things a minutes. Looking back, I will admit that my desire to implement the "brain charge" was purely selfish. I just wanted a moment to turn my mind off, to silent the white noise and to simply, be still. I mean, really when you think about it, how often do you turn your mind off ....literally willing it to think or worry about nothing?

"Today we are going to do an activity called a "brain charge," I say as cunningly as possible, trying to make it sound cooler than it actually is. "How often do we quiet our minds, turn off all the drama, gossip, insecurities or worries that we have swirling around in our brains and just, be still?" I ask as I walk over to the lights and turn them off. The kids giggle and fidget in their seats. "Close your eyes, put your head on your desk and be still for 3 minutes."

The first few times we did the activity, it was clear that the students had to try really hard to not talk, laugh or squirm in their seats. Being still was a discipline that they had to practice. However, by the end of the year, they would come into class asking and sometimes even begging for a brain charge. It was a discipline they had grown to appreciate. A discipline they realized that was important in life.

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Yesterday in the dark, crisp morning I fumbled into my car and revved the engine wishing that the car would warm up a little quicker. As I sat there waiting for the windows to clear, I reached for the radio. I will admit to being a lover of loud music as I drive. Yet, as I reached for the radio the words, "brain charge" came to mind and I hesitated to turn on the music. Just be still, Sheila, I thought to myself. Why do you always have to fill the silence with noise? And so I drove to work in complete and utter silence.

It was that silent drive that made me wonder how much I miss by covering it up with noise. How many quiet moments of realization, self discovering, or whatever that I miss because I feel the need to have a loud life. By the end of the drive, I decided to challenge myself to one month of silence. One month of quiet as I drive. Quiet to be still, to find my thoughts, to ponder and reflect on life's precious moments, but mostly, to hear the whispers of God that, so often, the noise covers up. It is true, God is constantly calling after us, it's just that so often our lives are too noisy to hear him.

Perhaps it is said best with this quote,"There is hardly ever a complete silence in our soul. God is whispering to us incessantly. Whenever the sounds of the world die out then we hear these whisperings of God. He is always whispering to us, only we do not always hear because of the noise, hurry, and distraction which life causes as it rushes on." -Frederick Faber

Yesterdays.

Isn't it funny how the older we get, the easier it is to look back on life and to think to ourselves, "gosh, I had it easy. If only I knew then how easy it really was." And then 5 years pass and we look back again and think the same thing all over again. Yet in the present, we look to the future and when that future gets here, we end up looking at the past. Finally, we find ourselves old and, hopefully, wise and we end up dreaming about the good ol' days all over again.

I find myself in that same mind set a little more each day... wishing that I could have realized back then how good I had it and thinking that this "adult life" is so much harder than anyone ever warned me it would be. As if all my dreams of what could be were eventually replaced with practical "adult matters".
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School started last week. Wednesday morning came quickly and the halls filled with laughter and nervous energy. I stood at my door and welcomed my new students. My little 7th graders, smaller than ever, they seemed. They walked hesitantly into my room with eyes wide and books held close. I would like to think that I'm not a scary teacher. I welcomed them with a smile and used a very cheerful voice, but the newness of a big high school would have intimidated any new student.

The bell rang and I took attendance. Everyone was here and I began going through my syllabus. I started talking about how reading, books, and words can change the world. How these little 7th grade kiddos have the power to change the world; not tomorrow, not five years from now, but today. I said it all with such confidence because I really do believe it for them. I do believe that they each have the power to change the world, that the world is theirs to do as God leads. As I stood there in front of those wide eyed children, this innocent truth slammed me in the chest: you believe this for them, why don't you believe this for yourself? Why don't you believe that today matters and with God's help, you can change the world?

I went home that night feeling restless, feeling like my hard "adult life" had taken my dreams and shattered them. As if this thief called life had taken my dreams, my hopes, and my chance of making a difference and thrown them far into the sea. I found myself looking back to the yesterdays of long ago, and wanting so badly to cling to the good ol' days.... yet I knew I couldn't. The easy days of my childhood were memories; memories that made me who I am today. Those memories left marks and scars, both good and bad and today I am Sheila because of them. While it was comforting to relive the good ol' days in my mind, I realized that I needed to find that thief that had stolen my dreams. I needed to track down my chances to make a difference. I needed to start believing in what I want so badly for my students to believe; that today matters and that, with God's help, I can change the world.

What You Love

I have always enjoyed writing; more as something I do to get life out on paper rather than as a hobby or a "dream career". Yet, in the last year I have stopped writing. Why do we do what we don't want to do and we don't do what we want to do? I went to a writer's workshop a couple of weekends ago and I was reminded of why I love to write; it makes the world make sense... at least for a moment. So here I am, back to blogging, not really hoping that anyone will read this but rather as a commitment to do what I love. The following poem is a rough draft of something I wrote at my workshop. I will be honest, it's kind of intimidating posting "creative" writing... but it's a step towards doing something I love.

What if

What if all the angels

        throughout the world

were visible -to be seen clear as day

What if hundreds of thousands of angels

         walked the streets for all to see

Would we see babies rescued from burning homes

          cars detoured from head-on collisions

          men and women healed of cancer

What if all the angels

         throughout the world

         sat down with us and told us their stories

Would we hear of an army of angels protecting our kids

          from massive school shootings

          an angel whispering breath into a panicked mother

          or gently delivering peace to a stressed out father

Would we see streets filled with angels

          illuminating in unforeseen colors -orange, red, gold

Would we begin to relax in peace

          -solitude

Would streams of thankful tears fall upon us

          as we rest in the truth that we are protected

          taken care of

Would we see a sliver of Heaven fall upon us

          giving us strength to press on

          pushing our eyes Heaven bound

          anxious for home.



Owyhee Trip

Mike left yesterday for a one week trip on the Owyhee river. He and his team of  3 other guys will be leading a 6 day trip of kayaking for a group of Young Life students from Alaska. The last trip he did on the Owyhee was a little dangerous due to the water being extra high. Please pray for safety for the entire group (rapids will be tricky and rattle snakes are also very common in this area), open hearts where life change can occur, and a fun time on the river.

This summer has been filled with ups and downs. God has certainly been teaching us a lot about trusting in His guidance for our future and reliance on Him in all things. After Mike gets back from his trip on the Owyhee, he will go straight into 2 weeks of leading 3 rafting trips a day on the Main Payette river. As a wife, it has been such a joy to see Mike doing something he is good at and loves. Continued prayers for safety would be so appreciated! 

What a Stud!

God Story

I have been waiting to tell this story, mostly because I don't know how best to write it without it getting long and drawn out. I will do my best...

It was my prayer that by the end of the school year I would be able to secure a full time teaching position. I had high hopes when I was called in for an interview for a part time teaching position with Cole Valley Christian and a separate interview with a boys ranch just outside of Boise. I thought for sure that the Lord would provide through one of these two positions; even though I wasn't terribly excited about teaching only part time and the boys ranch would have been quite a new challenge. Even still, I had an open mind and was willing to go with it if that was the Lord's provision. I just wanted to be teaching again.

As most of you know, I did not receive either of those positions. What you may not know is that the week following both of those let-downs, I hit a pretty big wall. I was frustrated with God, unsure of his provision, scared of the unknown, and most of all feeling purposeless. My poor husband tried his best to reaffirm me and encourage me, but, truly, nothing he could say or do helped the situation. I just felt so low.

At the end of that week, Mike decided to take the day off of work to help take my mind off of life. We went for a bike ride, went to ice cream and just talked. When Mike leads rafting trips, he always asks the group a question to gage their spiritual state, so he asked me the same question. "If Jesus were in this boat with you, would he be guiding the boat, sitting next to you, or sitting in the hills?" My response, "I know that Jesus is guiding my boat, but I feel like he isn't even in the hills." Later I realized that that was a lesson Jesus was trying to teach me; the difference between relying on what I know to be true verses what I feel to be true.

That same night after our bike ride, I came home to message on my phone. It was the principle of Cole Valley Christian school asking if I would come in for an interview for a FULL time teaching position! She also mentioned that we would be talking about "the spiritual side of this job". For the first time in my life I was nervous to talk about "spiritual things". God and I weren't on good terms and even though I knew what God was trying to teach me, I felt like I was in a dessert without water. I had no idea how I would be able to talk about God or anything good that he was doing in my life.

In the interview, the first thing the man said was, "I have reviewed your application, resume, and letters of recommendation. Honestly, it all looks perfect and we aren't in the business of hiring perfect teachers. Tell me about a time in your life where you have struggled, doubted, and not been on good terms with God." It was in that moment I knew why God had allowed me to struggle so much the previous week. I looked at the man with tears in my eyes and I said, "I'm there right now. I am learning to rely on what I know to be true rather than what I feel to be true. But to be quite honest, it sucks."

The next day I was offered the job! I couldn't help but laugh. God had brought me to a low, I believe, because if I hadn't come to that low, I would have walked into that interview and would have pretended to be the "perfect" teacher. Funny, that's not what they were looking for. (Thankfully).

To add to this God story: It was last spring when I subbed for a teacher at Cole Valley. As I sat at this teacher's desk and looked around the room, I got this feeling in my spirit that that room would become my classroom. At the time I had no reason to think that and chalked it all up to wishful thinking. Yesterday I received my room assignment and NO joke---it is that exact room! God is CRAZY awesome. Sometimes it just takes longer...in his timing and sometimes we just have to be quiet, listen, and choose to follow even when we don't feel like it!

Love Life Like a Dog

 Early this morning Mike and I decided to be lazy and watch a TV show on the laptop while still in bed. To be kind, we let our puppy out to play while we watch the show and we even left the back door open so that she could come in and out as she pleased--big mistake! Scout was gone for a good 15-20 minutes before she leaped onto the bed and kissed us all with her heavily caked mud face! She had found a mud hole on the side of the house and she was covered -thick! While the mess was disastrous (literally throughout the house), all Mike and I could do was laugh. Scout didn't have a care in the world; she wasn't afraid of getting into trouble, or the mess that would come. Instead, she was enjoying life; embracing it and living free; not a worry to be found!

Hmm. I suppose there may be a lesson in this for us. Yes, one lesson is to not let our "child" run free without any guidance or direction, but the second lesson...to love life like a dog!

"When the Devil Gets the Best of Me"

The month of May has been a particularly difficult month for me. The beginning of the month brought hope and excitement with the opportunity to interview with 2 private schools. I have been out of the teaching field for 3 years now, and I have always felt like the Lord wasn't finished with me yet (in regards to teaching). So as the interviews came, my trust and hope that the Lord was carving his way for me to teach again grew stronger. My hope for purpose was expanding! I thought that surely between 2 interviews, I had a good shot at getting at least 1 of the jobs; that was until I remembered that Idaho is in the process of cutting hundreds of veteran teachers. So there I was a young teacher with hardly 2 years of teaching experience going up against teachers with 15-20 years on their resume. (and yes, for those of you thinking that God is bigger than a resume, I do believe that...but not this time).

It was a no from both schools. So there I was, more disappointment and questions flooded my mind. To be honest, I felt quite sorry for myself (and at times still do). I questioned God's goodness, his "will" for my life, and my purpose. Getting older and not moving forward was something I dwelled on and was turning into bitterness deep down inside.

It wasn't until I went to the gym one afternoon that God chose to do a little work on me. When I get stressed and the tension builds up in my chest and head, the best thing to do for me is to run. I can't run far or for long but I run as hard as I can. I blast my music and I focus on running off all the energy built up inside of me. As I was running that day, a song came on by Big & Rich called, "When the Devil Gets the Best of Me". 

As I tried to run my problems away this song blared in my ears and it was this particular line that God used to challenge me. "Yeah, the man in the mirror ain't the man that I oughta be. Tell me why can't I see, when the devils got the best of me."

That line didn't take away all my "problems". It wasn't a revelation of God's love for me, but it was a reminder that the Devil can get the best of my mind. Someone once told me this analogy: we are all on this train riding through life. On the left side, we can look out the window and see all the junk in our life; the things we wish were different. Or, we can look out the right side and choose to look at life's beautiful moments. So as I listened to that song, I realized that the Devil had the best of me. He was distracting me, pushing me to look out the left side of the train rather than look out the right side. Even though my life is still not what I had expected and yes, at times, disappointing, I choose to look out the right side of the train and I choose to not allow the Devil to get the best of me.