The month of May has been a particularly difficult month for me. The beginning of the month brought hope and excitement with the opportunity to interview with 2 private schools. I have been out of the teaching field for 3 years now, and I have always felt like the Lord wasn't finished with me yet (in regards to teaching). So as the interviews came, my trust and hope that the Lord was carving his way for me to teach again grew stronger. My hope for purpose was expanding! I thought that surely between 2 interviews, I had a good shot at getting at least 1 of the jobs; that was until I remembered that Idaho is in the process of cutting hundreds of veteran teachers. So there I was a young teacher with hardly 2 years of teaching experience going up against teachers with 15-20 years on their resume. (and yes, for those of you thinking that God is bigger than a resume, I do believe that...but not this time).
It was a no from both schools. So there I was, more disappointment and questions flooded my mind. To be honest, I felt quite sorry for myself (and at times still do). I questioned God's goodness, his "will" for my life, and my purpose. Getting older and not moving forward was something I dwelled on and was turning into bitterness deep down inside.
It wasn't until I went to the gym one afternoon that God chose to do a little work on me. When I get stressed and the tension builds up in my chest and head, the best thing to do for me is to run. I can't run far or for long but I run as hard as I can. I blast my music and I focus on running off all the energy built up inside of me. As I was running that day, a song came on by Big & Rich called, "When the Devil Gets the Best of Me".
As I tried to run my problems away this song blared in my ears and it was this particular line that God used to challenge me. "Yeah, the man in the mirror ain't the man that I oughta be. Tell me why can't I see, when the devils got the best of me."
That line didn't take away all my "problems". It wasn't a revelation of God's love for me, but it was a reminder that the Devil can get the best of my mind. Someone once told me this analogy: we are all on this train riding through life. On the left side, we can look out the window and see all the junk in our life; the things we wish were different. Or, we can look out the right side and choose to look at life's beautiful moments. So as I listened to that song, I realized that the Devil had the best of me. He was distracting me, pushing me to look out the left side of the train rather than look out the right side. Even though my life is still not what I had expected and yes, at times, disappointing, I choose to look out the right side of the train and I choose to not allow the Devil to get the best of me.
1 comment:
I can't wait to see how the Lord uses all that He is planting in your life. The watering and toiling of the soil of your relationship with Him is hard, but this season will bear wonderful fruit. I love you. I am proud of you. I enjoy hearing how God is growing, streatching, watering and plowing you but as your mom I too wish it didn't have to happen and hurt so much. Lot's of love.
Post a Comment