Philippines Part II: Love

The following is a story that will forever be my most vivid memory of the Philippines.

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I walked down the beach on the lookout for my new Filipino friends. Hot sand on my feet and the warm sun on my back. I don't think I've been to another place more beautiful than the Philippines. As I looked out on the water, I saw my three friends squished in a kayak, laughing and enjoying the freedom of living life.

"Teacher Sheila, let's go! Get in!"

Have you ever tried to get into a kayak in the middle of the ocean with three people balancing upright? Yea... as you can imagine, it is difficult. After a whole lot of wibble and wobble, I made it in and we were off.

Exploration of the open water.

As I looked out beyond the crisp, clear water to the horizon, I thought, Take this in, Sheila. Take every moment of this in. You are around the world talking with girls who desperately need love. This is a once in a lifetime experience.

And so, as my awkward self so brilliantly does, I started dorking around with the girls; taking it in. We sang dorky American songs, they taught me how to say weird words in Tang'ala, and we paddled around looking for bright colored fish.

At one point I dramatically said, "I hope we don't see any water snakes! I hate snakes. I'm so scared of them!"

"I'm not scared of anything!" One of the girls retorted in such a matter of fact way.

"Oh really? You aren't scared of one single thing?" I prodded.

"No. I have to be brave all the time for my family."

I let the silence soak up the air and waited.

"Well, I may be scared of one thing..."

"And what is that?"

"Sometimes I'm scared of God when I have to do bad things."

There it was. Shame. Guilt. The desire to be loved for exactly who she is but so unsure that love could cover her past.

"In the bars I think with my head... but here with you, I can think with my heart," she continued.

Unsure of what to say, I muttered, "We are all just a big mess looking for love. I know that even in all my mess ups, God loves me more than I will ever understand. There are a lot of things I don't know, but I do know that even in my mess, God never turns away." As the words came out, I felt myself feeling like all I was saying were clichés that everyone says but not many people truly believe. I found myself somewhere in the middle; knowing that God really does love me but unsure of the last time I really felt his love. I looked up into her searching eyes and I was reminded that no matter our experiences or what part of the world we live in, all humans are alike.

We long to be loved and accepted for exactly who we are.

I sat in a moment of silence before the girls began to laugh again. More girly giggles and exploration distracted us. It was only because of my white girl legs that we had to paddle back to shore. As we walked up the beach, my God fearing friend put her arm around me and smiled.

"Sheila, I will be brave. I want my heart to beat again."

Philippines Part I: Brave

I thought I knew something about being brave. Growing up I always thought of myself as brave and adventurous ... until one day I woke up and found myself an adult. It seems like that was the day I started to worry about things that never mattered before. I started to jump out of fear when I heard stupid sounds at night like a dog howling down the street. Suddenly my life became about the things I couldn't do or shouldn't do. I heard myself say, "That's too dangerous!" or "....But what if...?" It became about the no's instead of the yes's and the "harsh realities" instead of the "dreaming".

In the last year I have found myself sifting through major life transitions and fear has played into almost every decision I have made: fear of failure, rejection, loneliness, being known, the list could go on and on. Yet, at the end of the day my fear has kept me from moving forward and isn't moving forward what life is all about? I was frozen; scared to move but also scared to be left behind.

Then God pushed me forward.

He started slowly.
He began pruning the dead friendships and bringing new ones (and old ones) to life. He pushed me to move forward with a new job, even though I never imagined being anything but a teacher. He introduced me to a new church. He was slowly fleshing out my life which forced me to move forward, even in my fear.

Then he did something a little more drastic.
He sent me half way around the world to a place where the ultimate lesson in bravery and hope changed my heart forever.

Destination: The Philippines.

I have heard it said that movement is life. When I think about this, I can't help but think that bravery is what gives us movement. So let me tell you my stories about how the Philippines taught me about bravery and how it moved me and gave me life.