Yesterdays.

Isn't it funny how the older we get, the easier it is to look back on life and to think to ourselves, "gosh, I had it easy. If only I knew then how easy it really was." And then 5 years pass and we look back again and think the same thing all over again. Yet in the present, we look to the future and when that future gets here, we end up looking at the past. Finally, we find ourselves old and, hopefully, wise and we end up dreaming about the good ol' days all over again.

I find myself in that same mind set a little more each day... wishing that I could have realized back then how good I had it and thinking that this "adult life" is so much harder than anyone ever warned me it would be. As if all my dreams of what could be were eventually replaced with practical "adult matters".
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School started last week. Wednesday morning came quickly and the halls filled with laughter and nervous energy. I stood at my door and welcomed my new students. My little 7th graders, smaller than ever, they seemed. They walked hesitantly into my room with eyes wide and books held close. I would like to think that I'm not a scary teacher. I welcomed them with a smile and used a very cheerful voice, but the newness of a big high school would have intimidated any new student.

The bell rang and I took attendance. Everyone was here and I began going through my syllabus. I started talking about how reading, books, and words can change the world. How these little 7th grade kiddos have the power to change the world; not tomorrow, not five years from now, but today. I said it all with such confidence because I really do believe it for them. I do believe that they each have the power to change the world, that the world is theirs to do as God leads. As I stood there in front of those wide eyed children, this innocent truth slammed me in the chest: you believe this for them, why don't you believe this for yourself? Why don't you believe that today matters and with God's help, you can change the world?

I went home that night feeling restless, feeling like my hard "adult life" had taken my dreams and shattered them. As if this thief called life had taken my dreams, my hopes, and my chance of making a difference and thrown them far into the sea. I found myself looking back to the yesterdays of long ago, and wanting so badly to cling to the good ol' days.... yet I knew I couldn't. The easy days of my childhood were memories; memories that made me who I am today. Those memories left marks and scars, both good and bad and today I am Sheila because of them. While it was comforting to relive the good ol' days in my mind, I realized that I needed to find that thief that had stolen my dreams. I needed to track down my chances to make a difference. I needed to start believing in what I want so badly for my students to believe; that today matters and that, with God's help, I can change the world.