Dear Gratitude...

Dear Gratitude,

You and I have had quite a few ups and downs over the course of the year. There have been many times where you and I have been in agreement and a lot of other times where we have been at odds. Yet even in my stubborn tantrums, unwilling to acknowledge you, you have always been steadfast. Do you remember the times where friends have moved on and yet I remain? You reminded me to give thanks because new friends were bound to come. What about when it was time to make a shift in my career? You reminded me that I was still well taken care of. Remember our trip to the Philippines? You smacked me over the head, "Hello Sheila, your life is beautiful!" Or what about the times where I was unsure what road to take? You were there to remind me that God was faithful in the past and he will direct my path in the future.

You were a constant whisper during some of the most difficult times. You've taught me that no matter what highs or lows come, life is endurable, even enjoyable, with you by my side. Peace flows from you; hope and love are your friends. Life is well lived in your company. You are as faithful as a sunrise or sunset. You bring color to my black and white. You bring life to the dead.

So on this Thanksgiving day, thank you, gratitude. Please always be near and may I never forget the power of your friendship in my life.

Sincerely,
S

... Keeping me up.

Writing, specifically blogging, has been on my mind lately. (It really has been far too long since my last post.)

I'll have a thought that will wake me up in the middle of the night and then I think, "you should blog about that", but the next morning I wake up and the thought is gone. I know that it means that I'm stuck in my head again; ideas, worries, hopes, all swirling around at odd hours of the night. I'm sure this has happened to you once or twice. For me, I find that writing is the best way to get it all out.

So I guess I'll just consider this a "dump" post; dump all my thoughts onto this page. (Maybe if I dump it all into this writing then they won't wake me again. ...A girl can hope at least.)

So here it goes. Thoughts or questions that run through my head... keeping me up late at night:

1) How do we know if we are doing what we are suppose to (career wise)? Do we ever really find the "right" career or job that fits us perfectly?

2) God, do you hear me? I know you are there, but why are you so quiet?

3) Love. It's beautiful and hard all at the same time. Why do we hurt the people we love the most? Why do we give up so easily? If it is so beautiful, why do we let the selfish fighting get in the way? It seems like we lose sight of the beautiful so quickly.

4) Should I buy a house or keep renting? "Stick it to the man" Buy!... but wait, buying a house is so much of a commitment and responsibility.

5) And why is commitment so hard for some of us? ...To commit to a future and be sure of it while others fear they may miss out on something better if they settle for the present.

6) Most of all, God, can you help me to let go of what I can't control and help me to not worry about what you already have planned? Can you help me to trust?

Perhaps you've had similar questions and thoughts keep you up at night.
I'm curious, do you eventually find answers? and if you do, do you find that another series of questions slowly start creeping in?

Beautifuls

I often forget about the beautifuls in life.

I get wrapped up in the busyness of life

or I get consumed with things and circumstances that I wish were different.

I focus on the ugly and

 I forget about the simple beauties.

 

And yet, even when I'm distracted,

 God sends loud reminders that there is still beauty in this world.

Here are a few reminders that slapped me in the face this weekend:

 

In the midst of a messy world,

Beauty is everywhere...

It is in all things

It is in ourselves and it is in others.

Stop and see the beauty.

 

 

The very things I take for granted are the things others wished they had.

 

Appreciate it all..

the taste of strawberry cake filling with a sweet, light whipped cream.

It's simple. It's only 3 dollars. It's just dessert.

But it's beautiful.

 

Never stop believing in LOVE!

No matter what life brings,

never stop believing.

Love is all around!

Accept it, embrace it, and don't be scared of it!

 

Always be faithful

Be faithful to yourself, others, and most of all to

where God has you.

 

These are the beautifuls in my life right now...

What are the beautifuls in yours?

 

 



Philippines Part II: Love

The following is a story that will forever be my most vivid memory of the Philippines.

~ ~ ~



I walked down the beach on the lookout for my new Filipino friends. Hot sand on my feet and the warm sun on my back. I don't think I've been to another place more beautiful than the Philippines. As I looked out on the water, I saw my three friends squished in a kayak, laughing and enjoying the freedom of living life.

"Teacher Sheila, let's go! Get in!"

Have you ever tried to get into a kayak in the middle of the ocean with three people balancing upright? Yea... as you can imagine, it is difficult. After a whole lot of wibble and wobble, I made it in and we were off.

Exploration of the open water.

As I looked out beyond the crisp, clear water to the horizon, I thought, Take this in, Sheila. Take every moment of this in. You are around the world talking with girls who desperately need love. This is a once in a lifetime experience.

And so, as my awkward self so brilliantly does, I started dorking around with the girls; taking it in. We sang dorky American songs, they taught me how to say weird words in Tang'ala, and we paddled around looking for bright colored fish.

At one point I dramatically said, "I hope we don't see any water snakes! I hate snakes. I'm so scared of them!"

"I'm not scared of anything!" One of the girls retorted in such a matter of fact way.

"Oh really? You aren't scared of one single thing?" I prodded.

"No. I have to be brave all the time for my family."

I let the silence soak up the air and waited.

"Well, I may be scared of one thing..."

"And what is that?"

"Sometimes I'm scared of God when I have to do bad things."

There it was. Shame. Guilt. The desire to be loved for exactly who she is but so unsure that love could cover her past.

"In the bars I think with my head... but here with you, I can think with my heart," she continued.

Unsure of what to say, I muttered, "We are all just a big mess looking for love. I know that even in all my mess ups, God loves me more than I will ever understand. There are a lot of things I don't know, but I do know that even in my mess, God never turns away." As the words came out, I felt myself feeling like all I was saying were clichés that everyone says but not many people truly believe. I found myself somewhere in the middle; knowing that God really does love me but unsure of the last time I really felt his love. I looked up into her searching eyes and I was reminded that no matter our experiences or what part of the world we live in, all humans are alike.

We long to be loved and accepted for exactly who we are.

I sat in a moment of silence before the girls began to laugh again. More girly giggles and exploration distracted us. It was only because of my white girl legs that we had to paddle back to shore. As we walked up the beach, my God fearing friend put her arm around me and smiled.

"Sheila, I will be brave. I want my heart to beat again."

Philippines Part I: Brave

I thought I knew something about being brave. Growing up I always thought of myself as brave and adventurous ... until one day I woke up and found myself an adult. It seems like that was the day I started to worry about things that never mattered before. I started to jump out of fear when I heard stupid sounds at night like a dog howling down the street. Suddenly my life became about the things I couldn't do or shouldn't do. I heard myself say, "That's too dangerous!" or "....But what if...?" It became about the no's instead of the yes's and the "harsh realities" instead of the "dreaming".

In the last year I have found myself sifting through major life transitions and fear has played into almost every decision I have made: fear of failure, rejection, loneliness, being known, the list could go on and on. Yet, at the end of the day my fear has kept me from moving forward and isn't moving forward what life is all about? I was frozen; scared to move but also scared to be left behind.

Then God pushed me forward.

He started slowly.
He began pruning the dead friendships and bringing new ones (and old ones) to life. He pushed me to move forward with a new job, even though I never imagined being anything but a teacher. He introduced me to a new church. He was slowly fleshing out my life which forced me to move forward, even in my fear.

Then he did something a little more drastic.
He sent me half way around the world to a place where the ultimate lesson in bravery and hope changed my heart forever.

Destination: The Philippines.

I have heard it said that movement is life. When I think about this, I can't help but think that bravery is what gives us movement. So let me tell you my stories about how the Philippines taught me about bravery and how it moved me and gave me life.

Home: Just a taste

Being known.

I think this has become my working definition of "home".

For those of us blessed to have grown up in a home, we have fond memories of our childhood. The feeling of home came as our parents knew us better than we knew ourselves. They knew how we needed to be loved, how to push us and challenge us, how to give some tough love. They knew our triggers, they loved us despite our ornery attitudes. We were truly known, even when we got to be teenagers and we thought our parents didn't understand us at all.

Home was the feeling and reassurance that we were truly known and truly loved unconditionally.

Then, as nature should have it, we moved out. We left home behind and we journeyed into a world that didn't know us. Some of us sort of felt known within sorority clubs or through athletic teams, but there still seemed to be a piece of us not quite fully known. So we journeyed forward into adulthood; desiring to be known, but unsure of how.

For most of us, love is how we eventually found home again and I suppose at the root of this post being known is being loved and loving in return.   -To be known, loved, and accepted for you; the good and bad. To be able to be the goofy, dorky self that you would never be with anyone else accept with those few who feel like "home". It's the freedom to have a good day, a bad one, to laugh like a child, to let out a stinky fart, or to just be and to still be perfectly content with those who truly know you.  -Feeling known for all your beautiful imperfections is home.

We long for this feeling in and through our days on earth. The older we get, perhaps the more we truly long to be known. Sometimes we bask in the beauty of feeling at home -a season of bliss. Other times we sit in a season of restlessness and loneliness, wandering in the forest hoping that someone will take a few minutes to sit and talk just so we can get a taste of home again. There is a part of me that wonders if this is how it has always been and how it is designed -longing for the next taste of home. No matter how well known we feel, there is a small part of us that knows we can never truly be known...

...and that keeps us searching for our ultimate home.

Home {a new series}

Home.

I've been reflecting on the meaning.
When hearing that word, some of us picture the home we grew up in. White shudders, a red front door, and the front porch. Others might picture a city or flash through some of the most favorable memories. Playing ball in the backyard or playing "queen of the electrical box" (yes, I totally did that!).

How about you? What do you picture?

For me, my mind jolts into many different directions. I have a hard time landing in one place. I have lived in many different cities and in many different homes. My childhood memories flashback to one city while my awkward teen years flashback to another. When people ask where "home" is for me, I stutter awkwardly and then settle on Omaha because "um... well, that's where I lived the longest."

But the more I grow into my adulthood, the more I feel like "home" should have meaning to me. It should speak to where I've been, who I am, and where I'm going. Home should put definition to me.

I have lived in Boise for 4 years now. It seems like it has only been in this year or so that Boise has started to feel like home. Just last night a friend asked me if Boise was starting to feel like home and for the first time I was able to say, "the more I go away, the more I long to return. I guess it does feel like home."

Yet the questions remain: what makes Boise feel like home for me? What makes home feel like home for any of us? How does home define who we are?

Join me over the next few posts as I search to uncover the meaning of

home.

Until then, what does home mean to you?

Renewed Hope

Today's the first day where spring feels like it may be here to stay! The flowers are in full bloom, the grass is green, the trees reach to the sun, and the sun radiates warmth. 

Isn't spring great? Especially the first few days of spring. It gives us all a renewed hope. We escape our dens and adventure into the world. We breathe in the fresh, spring air with renewed smiles. We look forward. We dream about all the adventures we want to go on and all the friends and family we want to see in the summer. Spring brings a renewed hope to our bodies, minds, and souls because we are made to live in hope and joy. We are made to believe that all things can be new. As if we can spring up and grow and change and become beautiful just as those beautiful flowers do each new year.

Today, spring reminds me

there is always hope,

we can be new.

Leave the old season behind

and take hold of the beauty in the new season.

Embrace the beauty of renewed hope.

Small: Part II (1 year later)

Last week I celebrated spring break with some much needed traveling. I hit up Nebraska, South Dakota, and Colorado.

I love to travel and take every opportunity possible. I love seeing new places, meeting new people, and experiencing new perspectives. I love the people watching and imagining everyone's stories. I especially notice people in the airport. People hustling, eating, laughing, fighting, crying, etc. 

There is a lot to love about traveling, but there is one feeling I always get when I travel and it usually catches me by surprise.

The feeling of being small.

When I travel outside of my world, I am reminded that there are millions of people out there engulfed in their own lives, with their own stories. I am reminded that my life, my story is one of millions in the world and I am suddenly struck with the realization that life isn't all about me. Funny how quickly I forget that.

At first I feel overwhelmed at the feeling of being small. We all want to feel big and important, right? As if we matter, as if we make a difference, like the universe is a better place because of us. Yet, as I sit on the bench and watch the hundreds of people rush by, I lean in to the feeling of  being small.

Small reminds me that I can't do things on my own.
Small reminds me that I don't have to have it altogether
That there is a God bigger than me.
A God that pursues the small and makes the small beautiful.
Small takes the pressure off of life.
And being small makes me trust God all the more -the biggest of all- the omega, alpha, beginning and the end.

~ ~ ~

 

See Small to read more about feeling small.

Journeying to the Philippines

"Sheila, you need to do something big this year. Something that matters outside of yourself." The voice of a good friend echoed in my thoughts as I hiked one afternoon. There had been this wrestling in me over the last few months. I knew I needed to experience something new; to serve others instead of focusing on my own failures and missteps. I hiked a little further and kept searching, what is it? What is that something big? God, take me beyond myself...  Then it came as clear as if someone spoke it to me:

Philippines. Kenny. Wipe Every Tear. Go.

In that moment, I knew I was going. I knew it was exactly what God wanted for me. I knew that it would breathe new life into me; God's life. I didn't know the timing or the logistics. I didn't know the girls or the team I would go with, but I knew. I was going.

~ ~ ~

 

Last night I met the team I will be serving along side.

 

 

We are a team of 18 girls, ranging from high schoolers to adult women. We come from all over the country with one common goal: serve girls who desperately need love. We leave May 26th, just 70 some days away and we will be gone for 2 weeks. We will work with Wipe Every Tear who helps to provide a hope and a future for girls who have been trapped in sex trafficking. We have the unique opportunity to take 50+ of these hurt girls on a "girls getaway" where we hope to build trust, love, and relationships with them. Trust is the most important bond we could develop with them. A "girls getaway" for trafficked girls has never been done before! Ever. We are going into uncharted territory and yet, we are hopeful that this could be the beginning of something globally changing. 

As you can imagine, we are all trusting God to provide for the finances for such a giant trip. The total cost of my trip, including airfare is $3,500. A portion of the cost of my trip helps to fund the trafficked girls to be able to go on the "getaway" trip. If you would like to partner with me financially or want to know specific ways you can be praying for us as we prepare for this trip, please email me at ssharpmack@hotmail.com or Facebook message me. I would love to share more details with you!

"Learned the Hard Way"

February was the month of: "Things Sheila shouldn't do -learned the hard way"

1. Don't rip your tear duct out of your eye.
2. Don't leave a giant chocolate bar in your bag for the dogs to devour.
3. Don't leave your purse and wallet in the front seat of your car over night.
4. Don't put off getting your drivers license in the state that you have lived for 4 years.
5. Don't forget to make sure that your car has valid and current insurance.

Yes, these are all don'ts that I have now officially learned my lesson from -a tough, ugly lesson for each. A tough and ugly month to say the least.

The blogger in me wants to turn this post into some positive twist kind of writing. Perhaps I would write something along the lines of "even in the midst of all the junk, there are still beautiful things to focus on" and while that IS true... I think I'm going to just be honest. (Sorry, there isn't a lot of depth here.)

Sometimes all you can do is cry. Then reflect. And eventually, laugh at your own misfortunes.

Today I choose to laugh ...and sometimes, that just has to be enough.

What I learned after a chair ate my face

The other evening I had an unfortunate mishap where my face (particularly my eye) met the corner of my chair in a rather harsh way.

Blood. Swelling. Awesome. (Sarcasm). I mean, really? How annoying, right?

It wasn't until the next day when I found out I needed surgery that my annoyance turned into frustration and fear. Surgery? How important are tear ducts, really? ...Or as a matter of fact, tear ducts, while they seem small and insignificant are actually quite important to the make up and function of the eye. Who knew?! Without them, I guess the flowage and drainage of liquid gets really messed up (do you like my doctor lingo?!) and it can significantly impact the eye's vision. Cool.

Needless to say, I went in for surgery last Sunday night where the Ocular Plastic Surgeon was able to reconstruct my tear ducts and stitch my face back together. The surgery was quick. I was in and out of the hospital within 6 hours. Simple.

It was the next 24 hours or so after surgery that wasn't so simple. It is incredible how fragile and resilient the body can be at the same time. While my eye was working over time to heal itself, the effect of the anesthesia coupled with pain meds knocked my body out. I was literally a limp and helpless girl that depended on others for EVERYTHING. Food, water, drugs, walking (yep to the restroom too) etc.

I needed others.

No matter how much I wanted to do it on my own; to be strong, to NOT need others, the hard fact was that I couldn't do it on my own. I was a pathetic, helpless 30 year old.

The cool thing about needing others was as I watched my friends take care of me, I got to see a part of them that I wouldn't have gotten to see if I didn't need them.

Their ability to sacrifice, love, care, provide, encourage, and nurture. All of these characteristics I knew were somewhere within my friends... but I got to see the beauty of each of these characteristics in action.

and now I see my friends in a new light.

and I'm sure they see me in a new light too.

It's interesting. As I laid on the couch I thought about this need for each other in terms of my torn out tear duct. Go with me for a second... the tear duct was something small that effected so much of my vision without me even knowing it -----> I think that is how we are with needing each other.

We need each other. It seems like such a small thing... to need each other.
But when we don't have each other, it affects our entire vision
of everything.
And we miss out on the beauty of TRULY seeing each other.

So I guess the next time your face gets eaten by a chair... or something less extreme happens, lean into someone. Allow yourself to NEED them.

It will change your vision.